Shock

For some it’s a state that they are stuck in for some time. For me, it was just the fast track to denial. Shock of losing a loved one unexpectedly is something you can’t prepare for.

The phone rings, “What? What? What? What?” Silence you can’t hear anything but yet, your heart hears it all. There is nothing like feeling your heart stop and completely shatter. The aching in your chest was something like, you want to rip out. The clock stops, and everything you knew, everything you hoped for is gone.

“Where are you… where are they taking him?” For as though there was still hope and he just needed medical attention.

Time started again, my heart was racing. I was racing. Racing home to pack clothes, racing to the South. Racing to try to see for myself that it was true. 7 long days I awaited to see his face. They say you’ll never know how you’ll do it, until you’ve got to do it. That has never been more true. With my children, and my sister, I faced him.

A revolving door

It wasn’t until I saw a scar on his hand that time stood still again. There was no way to deny it. Shock all over again. You know grief is like that. A revolving door. You think your ready to step into the next slot and you find yourself stuck or back in a state you already thought you had surpassed. I still feel shock at times, like today. It was the first time Malayah had said to me “Mom I don’t want anything to happen to my family because then they will all die”

You never know how you’ll do it, ‘til you’ve got to do it. Shock straight from my 5 year old. Lately it has been much easier to avoid a complete melt down, honestly if that’s all I can do some days, I’m ok with that. If you’re living with grief, I’m here to tell you, it’s ok for you too.

You’re doing the best you can. We’re all doing the best we can. So allow yourself to be where you are, take some deep breathes, and know if you don’t have anyone else just to talk to I’m here. No judgement, no advice (unless you ask :) ), just an ear to listen. I have a private channel on the slack app. Just for grief support community.

Join me there: linktr.ee/cartergirlscloset817